Things Emmett Cullen must never ever attempt
by World's Best Marcher
Summary: This is whathappens when Kahalia and Jasper and Bella find out what bad Emmett did XD very funny.
1. Chapter 1

The most boring Saturday ever

"Jasper, I need your help with something," Bella said. "What do you need help with?" She replied with, "I need to make a list of stuff that Emmett can't do, wanna help?"

List of Stuff Emmett is must **ALWAYS **remember

Don't run in an airport saying, "terrorist! Terrorist on the loose!" while pointing at Jacob

Don't hum brick house around Carlisle

Don't hum sexy can I around anyone at all

Don't picture Bella in a chastity belt while crawling on her knees nude when Edward walks by

Don't try and shave Rosalie's hair

Don't stuff it in her car engine either

Don't take the school intercom and say I RAPED MICHAEL JACKSON!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Don't put a Hitler mask on and say that you are a German Speedo model

Or a George Bush mask either

Never put on a Hilary Clinton mask at all

Don't rub butter in Alice's hair

No matter how drunk Jasper is

Don't burn the TV when Alice is watching what not to wear

And but fire's pretty is not an excuse

Barney is not out to cut your head off

Neither is Mc hammer

Nor Ronald McDonald

Butter goes on toast, not in Jasper's nose

And Christmas lights go on the porch, not on the Volvo (Edward's idea)

Don't give Kahalia (Bella's cousin) mountain dew

Don't use Kahalia's bra to clean your car

Don't steal Esme's bra to look like a woman

Don't use a canoe to break down Carlisle's door

"Why do you say that Kahalia?" Jasper asked. "Well, he used one to break down my door and stuff your confederate uniform and blame it on me," she said.

Don't steal K-hal's underwear and wear it on your head

Overall, don't steal

Don't hide your stash in K-hal's room (or else…)

Don't give Rosalie a boob job

Even if she wants one

Don't keep grizzly bears as pets

And because they pretty isn't an excuse

Don't swat flies using a flamethrower

Don't make a funny noise whenever Bella trips (which would get **very **annoying)

Don't put Hannah Montana posters in Carlisle's xxx stash (even if it would match perfectly!)

Cottage cheese is meant to be eaten, not to be bathed in

Cheese is food, not a sex jelly

Don't play hide the uniform with Jasper

Don't play naughty jeep

Never ever be a transvestite, even for Halloween

Esme is not your sex toy

Neither is Bella

Neither is Alice

and neither is Renesmee

And don't play hide the remote when Alice watches what not to wear

Bread is food, not toilet paper

Neither is pizza

Neither is K-hal's i-pod

Never ever hang a sign on how many times Alice and Jasper have done it

Don't tell anyone that Renesmee is Bella's and Edward's biological daughter

Because her friends will ask her if Edward is good in bed.

And **NEVER** tell Esme that they cancelled the show home improvement

"Wow, we did a great job on this list, didn't we K-hal?" asked jasper. "Well, we did a great jo-"

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!!! NEVER EVEN** TRY **THAT AGAIN!!!" Bella screamed. Then I handed her the pen and the list.

Don't take your pants off in front of Bella

Or Alice

Or Esme

And…especially Carlisle

You are **NOT** harry potter

Even if the 4th graders think so

Because they are wrong

Never pee on the spinning sphere in tomorrowland at Disneyland

And splash mountain is **NOT **pee here world

Neither is the Matterhorn

And Alice is NOT from Alice in Wonderland (even if she is crazy)

Don't give Alice short pills (she's tiny enough)

Never admit your hornyness for Edward

Or Jacob

Or mike

Or Jasper

Or Seth

Or Sam

Or Aro

Don't hum lollipop in front of Edward

Or Rosalie

Or Esme

Don't hump Esme

Or Alice

Or Bella

Or K-hal

Steak is good

Smurfs aren't sex toys either

Don't take Bella's chocolate from her

Don't say that Jasper is on permanent pms

Neither is Edward

Neither is Alice

Maybe Esme (poor Carlisle)

Don't call Rosalie and tell her she needs Botox

Don't call random people at 2 a.m.

Don't give Bella lipo

Whatever Rosalie says

And werewolves aren't terrorists

Neither are teletubbies

Don't give Alice sugar of any kind

Don't put Kahalia on Ritalin

She will be pissy if you do

Don't force Rose to watch SpongeBob

Don't even **think** about giving Esme` a boob job

Even if Carlisle likey

Don't make an army of vampire fruit

Or vampire kitties

Don't let Renesmee watch South Park

Don't use your whip for **ANYTHING**

Don't call Edward a sexay thang

Don't burn down Target

Even though it's like crap

Never imitate Chris on TDI

Or chef

And don't make every first day of the month 'Jasper is a homo day'

Don't try to seduce Carlisle

Or Seth

Or Aro

Or Edward

And lollipops are food, not sexiness enhancers

And Kahalia's surfboard is **not** a giant hotdog

No matter what Alice says

Don't make out with a Celine Dion music store standee

Don't sing like a banshee

Don't eat the toilet paper

No matter what Jasper tells you

Never wear a giant banana costume

Even if it is pbj time

Don't take Esme to a flea market

Especially if you're using Carlisle's credit cards

Don't make Jasper scream like a little girl

Never ever stick a needle in Bella, especially by Jasper.

Do not take Edward to a strip bar

Don't take Jasper either

Or Carlisle

Don't put a dead rabbit in Renesmee's bed

Or a dead penguin

Or a dead polar bear

Don't steal Bella's left socks

And don't feed them to her in a sock waffle

And don't drag Bella to a wild party

Don't buy Edward xs condoms

No matter what Jacob says

Don't stuff macaroni cheese in Carlisle's desk


	2. Chapter 2: Esme chips in

Chapter 2: Esme chips in

"Hey Jasper, what are you and Hal up to" Esme asked. What we were really up to was that we were making a list of things Emmett must remember/never attempt. We replied with, "um…building a volcano out of your mashed potatoes that were for Bella or was that Emmett?" Then we handed her the list

Don't make volcanoes out of mashed potatoes

Don't sing surfing bird while you are with Edward

Don't use macaroni cheese to glue stuff to your butt

Don't use Hal's surfboard as a swing

No matter what Rose tells you

And **don't** tell Alice that Jasper left you for Bella

Or Rosalie

It's not a good idea to bathe in 27 pounds of butter

Don't pee in Hal's cereal

No matter how drunk you are

Or how stupid

Don't burn Hal's surfboard

Even if the smoke smells like candy

Don't turn Esme's cookies into a Barbie dream suite

Or a dollhouse

It's not funny if you scream turtle every 10 seconds

Don't let Alice any different

Lennon Drop, I used your idea since it sounded like the holy grail of twilight fan fictions. And please read this

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight (I wish), or Jasper & Edward.


	3. Chapter 3: The good, the bad and the ugl

Chapter 3: The good, the bad and the ugly

"Carlisle!!! We need help!" I said. Well, we only wanted his view on the list. "What do you need help with?" he replied. We showed him the list and he took the pen from Jazzy.

Don't put a fuzzee monkee on Carlisle's desk

Don't glue Carlisle's medical records to your butt

Don't super-glue anything to your butt

Or to your whip

Don't get it stuck in a window either

Gravy is food, not shampoo

Don't microwave peeps

And don't put them in Carlisle's jacket

And don't make stink bombs out of waffles

Don't feed Bella a frozen polar bear waffle

Don't make an army of vampire shoes

And Hannah Montana is not a serial killer

Don't put Silly Songs with Larry on while Ed is with you

Don't use chicken fat to slick Ed's hair

Don't do it with Rose in front of the school

Overall, don't do it

Sorry, had to make it tiny since my granddad visited. I promise that the next chapter will be funny okay? And Lennon Drop, please 4give me for using parts of 50 pranks on Carlisle.

Love,

EmmettCullencandy666


	4. Chapter 4: Last Chance Emmett

Chapter 4: Last Chance Emmett

"There, all pretty," said Alice. "Now that we finally finished the list, what do you think we should do, Jasper," I said. Then Rosalie started to chew Emmett out for doing something that we forgot on the list. "Emmett MCCARTY CULLEN!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Rosalie shouted. Then Emmett came into the kitchen and saw all of us sitting at the table looking like someone just died. He asked, "Um guys? Is there anything I need to be enlightened on?" Now this was true pressure right now. Then I out of the blue, blurted out, "we are making our own quidich cake for the harry pothead release." Even he knew there was no real Harry Pothead and Emmett's an idiot. Then Carlisle told Emmett to sit down to hear this. "Now Emmett, we only made this list because you have been driving us to the insane nutty farm, okay?" I chimed in with, "And please don't kill Jazzy please Emmett? I want to be his new wife." That's when you **know** Alice totally lost it. Then Alice screamed at the top of her (understandably) tiny lungs, "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU HAL!!!!!!! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS AND DIE!!!!!" Then she started to run at vampire speed around me with Esme's fine china in a triangle. Then I added one more thing to the never-ending list.

Don't tell anyone that you scare teens

And don't believe in Harry Pothead

He isn't real

Even if the 4th graders think so

Chop trees, not Hal's head

"Emmett McCarty, this is your final chance to give up or else!" That's when Carlisle turned into a nervous wreck. The Volturi ended up breaking down the antique diamond door with a deer head. Aro, the Volturi leader said, "Now Emmett,** why did you put car oil**_** in my hair?**_" Aro screamed. Now Carlisle, the hippie peace-maker, said, "For your info Aro, we were just finishing our list of things that Emmett is **not** to attempt, ever." Edward told me that Aro's thoughts consisted of anything wrapped in bacon and he wants to expand the list. Then I politely handed the teal glitter fuzzy pen to Aro.

Don't put car oil in anyone's hair

Don't dress up as Chucky

Or Freddie Kroguar

"Now then, as long as Emmett abides by these rules especially mine, you are all safe," Aro said. "Now that we finished the list now to kill random birds," Alice said.

Thanks for everything you guys. All your reviews made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And the suckish part: I don't own Twilight =( But I loved writing this and PLEASE REVIEW AND READ THIS PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME I DID YAY YAX,

EmmettCullencandy666


	5. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!

Chapter 5: Aro decides to help  

"Well, Emmett has been a pain lately…I'll do it," Aro said excitedly.

Aro is a vampire, not a Vietnamese prostitute

Neither is Nessie

Your laptop is not your 'sex box'

Don't buy a dill doe for Bella

Or Carlisle

Or yourself

Don't invite Disney characters over for a naughty party

Don't hum the bad touch when Esme walks by

Don't tell the Volturi that vampires aren't allowed to masturbate

Buying a leg lamp for Nessie will result in a slap in the face

Buying a leg lamp for Esme will result in a horny Carlisle

Canoes are for water, not for Kahalia's nose

Forgetting to celebrate Nessie's birthday will result in a black eye

In celebrating Aro's birthday will result in a not-emo Aro

Don't come down the stairs wearing skinny jeans

Don't come down in a neon dress either

Don't become a cross-dresser

Don't scare Esme while wearing her bras

Dressing up as a ballerina will result in screams of horror from Carlisle

Don't wear make-up that makes you look like a mime

And don't let Nessie watch your xxx stash (or else…)

And don't use  when you hunt

And Jasper is not your sex toy 

And Rosalie is not Hermione Granger

Even if all guys think she is

Because they're wrong

Don't hum the emo song when Jasper walks by

Don't drive 108mph in to a burning orphanage with the Volvo

And don't drive Alice's Porsche in to a dumpster of nacho cheese

Iron Maiden did **NOT** hypnotize Alvin and the chipmunks

Naruto did    (a/n: that was **MY IDEA!!!!!!)**

Cheese is not soap

Neither is ranch

Neither are the French fries from burger king

Don't read an erotic book to Renesmee

Or Aro

Or Seth

Or Edward

And especially NOT Carlisle

Don't have Bella be a fashion guinea pig and make her wear neon thongs

Or Esme

Or Sam Uley

And especially NOT Jasper

Don't sing Gimme more by Brittney Spears and have Rosalie be the one pole-dancing

Don't keep an irritated Grizzly bear as a pet

And because they're funny isn't an excuse

Don't tell Mike Newton that Bella is single

Don't let Jasper think Alice left him for James

Or else he will be considered a mega-emo

Don't tell Jane that Aro left her for a bucket

Don't tell the evil monkey Kahalia left him for a can of rusty nails

Pokémon are not rusty nails

Neither are the chipmunks

Nessie is not a 'sex box'

Neither is your x-box 360

Rosalie is not a stripper

Neither is Bella

Don't use Edward's piano to jump off and act like you're in the WWE

Don't slam his piano

Don't hum paint it black when Alice walks by

Don't paint Alice's face like Gene Smith from KISS

Don't enroll Bella into a dance academy

And don't hire a hooker for Edward

And don't tell the judge that Jasper's nose told you to

And also, do not tell the hooker to pole dance to crump music

Don't have Jane dress up in a fat ballerina costume

Or Seth

And especially not Alice

Don't have the mall close five hours early Friday night

Don't pay anyone to send Alice to the wacky shack

The moon is _**not**_ a fluffy bunny

No matter what Nessie tells you?

Don't assume Rosalie is you're ho

Because hoes are nicer than her, bitch!

Don't let Esme wear a feather boa

Even for a random reason

Don't give Alice crack

Then Aro said, "Well, this is pretty good considering that Emmett has- EMMETT CULLEN! YOU PUT MY TASER DOWN NOW!!!!!!" Charlie screamed outraged. Kahalia then gave her uncle the pen.

Don't let Emmett play with tasers

Don't go to Carlisle saying, "doctor! My heart stopped beating!"

Don't imitate Paris Hilton

Not even her pink chiuwawah

And don't use the animal computer version of a fluffy bunny when you're mad

Don't make Esme wash Carlisle's Mercedes in a bikini

Don't call the mansion a 'cardboard box' in front of Esme

Don't ask Carlisle where babies come from

Don't tell Edward that Bella left you for a hobo

And especially not an **EMO HOMO HOBO!!!!!!!!!!!**

Don't tell Esme that white furniture is, 'so last year'

And don't blame Alice

Don't tell anyone about Fez's addiction to candy

Because he will not like you 

Don't get Alice excited because you like to see the goods bounce up and down slowly

You are **not** spider pig

Even if you sing the theme song

And don't torture the 4th graders

Because they are dumb and you are a sadist

And you are **not** will Ferrell's clone

You are happily married

So is Carlisle

Don't call Alice a prostitute

Never wear a superman tie

Don't punch holes in the wall

Do not press buttons on any key chains retentively

Wear clothes

Do not fight fire with a sledgehammer

Don't let Jasper shop for Alice

Because she will be emo too [me: Hmmmm…she'd be hot]

Glue is not a sextoy

Neither is Jacob

Neither is Charlie

The vibrate mode on your cell phone isn't meant for sexual urges

Don't put a pregnant pole vaulter in a plaster penguin suit

Don't pull Nessie's pants off her

Don't suck Jasper's penis to make him look gay

Or Jacob

Or Mike Newton

Don't kill Kenny

Or Carlisle

Don't rape Kermit the frog

Don't get a sex change

Don't get Luke Skywalker to pole dance for you

Darth Vader is **not your father just because you watched star wars**

Mr. Slave is not your slave

Neither is Princess Leah

And do not call Jasper 'sarge'

And harry potter cannot marry Rosalie

She is not Hermione

Even if we all hate her

Never **EVER** try to give Jason Voorhees a hockey stick just because he has a hockey mask on


End file.
